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Thursday, January 22nd, 2009
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9:48 am
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I went on a date with Steve Harvey (bald head and all). We caught a bus at the corner of 135th and Lenox going towards the east side. Or we walked, then caught the bus. We got so many stares and dirty looks. People looked so angry to see us together. It all felt like it reminded me of why I shouldn't be on the date. Once we were settled in our seats on the bus I told him it had to end. He seemed calm but disappointed. When I got home I posted about it online. I sent a message through my phone, then another through another medium. It got a few comments and people were sincere and comforting (though I think I tried to make fun at some point).
I went to this area were there were a few dead ends. It was creepy and seemed to lead to trouble. I didn't want to go back (and perhaps tried to wake myself up), but I did. The next time there was a pool/lake. I went in it and saw a way that lead to another place (no more dead end). It was hidden under the edge of the pool/lake. When I got to the other place I was worshiped. I was in a family's home. They were sweet and hospitable. Then I peeked out the window and some firemen saw me. They seemed to not believe it was me. Then more people gathered around and soon I realized my presence had caused a big commotion. The lady of the house told me about how my image was idolized. I wasn't sure how to react.
I was in another house. It was connected to GEMS business. I walked past the fridge. The top freezer part was open. In it was frozen drinks were sitting out. I think I had one. Rita kept popping in and out. Kavonne (or KJ) was too [maybe that was Alexis?]. Another of my girls was around (maybe Portia). I got a packet from my new position. Filled with information I had to fill out and information about my position and the org. I almost mistook my position for one in the restaurant. Later I realized they were just informing me (being transparent!) that I had that option available to eat there and about its history. Just as I was ready to say goodbye Rachel pulled Rita into her office for something pointless. I called out to Rita and asked her to come, telling her I was leaving. She said she would be there momentarily. I hugged the girls that were out (who could see the strange dynamic occurring). I'm pretty sure I felt w/o hugging Rita.
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| Saturday, March 29th, 2008
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6:12 pm
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Stuff kept turning up missing from GEMS. After Lakeshia and myself closed up the upstairs apartment, the next day the door was found open. I kept wondering if anyone thought I was involved because it seemed to be connected to me, but no one every accused me nor blamed me.
I went out with Jamie and Julie. We were at some wide open place. Turned out to be a Day 26 concert. Timmy was performing with them (and had become part of the group?). I texted him to ask him why he didn't tell me that he was with them and that he was in NY and he said Diddy wanted them to be careful about their friends (or something like that). Something about who they are seen with. He said he'd try to make some time to hang out soon after.
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| Wednesday, January 2nd, 2008
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9:33 am
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I was out with Q and another friend of ours. We were walking past Riverbend in the direction of my building. I heard sounds that sounded vaguely like distant shots. We turned and there was a gunman not more than 10 feet behind us. He was chasing some other woman. I started running and tried to get out of the way. Then I turned back and saw that Q and our friend had dropped to the ground. I did as well. We tried to sneak into the nearest building. I couldn't tell if he would try to shoot us just to get rid of witnesses. He never aimed at us and I never figured out if he shot/killed the woman he was going after.
The building we entered became a school. I felt like things were fine with school. Then I felt like I was visiting and not a student. I bumped into the gunman. He started conversing with me as if he wanted to date me. Before leaving he gave me his number and told me he already had mine (creepy!!!). I told myself I'd take the number and be cautiously nice, but that we'd never meet up.
He began sending me things by e-mail and text message. Then either I invited him over or he invited himself and I didn't say no. He came over was was still very sweet. We began to kiss, then got more and more intimate seeming like it was leading to sex. Something happened and we stopped. Afterward he complained about getting paint on his fingers. The back/blackhand side of his hand had orange paint on 3 of his fingers from how we'd positioned ourselves while kissing. I had the same thing on 2 fingers and I told him this. It felt like he was blaming me for the paint and like he thought the paint was a big deal. After I explained I had it too he calmed down and we back to being sweet.
Later I told Q about how I met him and how I was scared to not date him because he might kill me. She agreed that it was a good idea to continue dating him. My two dominating thoughts about him were contradictory.
1. He's homidical and might kill me if I leave or do anything he doesn't like/want.
2. He's so sweet! He'd (probably) never hurt/kill me.
He was really really cute too.
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| Sunday, June 18th, 2006
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8:47 am
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I was looking for something to eat. Trying to decide between KFC or some other bad food. I went past this ice cream place and saw someone I knew. He said something to me that I can't remember. Then I met up with some girl I knew and she was eating some semi-elaborate meal. This guy we both liked kept coming by. I was trying to figure out if he liked me. Then somehow we all got sucked into an episode of Moesha. I think the guy became Hakeem.
Somewhere in there was Stormy. I was creeping up to his apartment trying to see/find something. I was behind him as we walked up the stairs when he spotted me. I saw Feign once I got in the apartment. I forget what she was trynna tell me.
I was having a birthday party in front of my building. I was scared no one would show up. Shavon came along and took me on a trip to pick up female friends to come to he party so we could then call up guys, tell them (or even show them via camera phone) all the girls that came and then have a good party. I put on some generic outfit of like a white tee, some jeans and some red and white a1's (I think I had on some type of blue as well) and went off with Shavon and some other girl.
There was a black party/parade going on at 135th, which made me scared that no one would come because they might have all been at that. We kept walking and wound up walking down 125th 'til we got to this corner store and Shavon started wylin'. She tried to steal a 25 cent bag of chips, screamed a bit, then left. I paid for the chips and my items and left with the other girl. We then tried to get back home. The cops were on our tails and I was scared we'd all be locked up for that bag of chips. The girl and I threw them off Shavon's tail, which seemed to put them on ours. For the rest of the time I worried they may jump out and try to arrest us at any point.
We'd gotten to a point that we didn't recognize the area (after boarding some trolley). Then we found a train. The train was taken a minute but we felt a ways away from home so I figured Shavon could take the train and we'd take a cab and we'd both make it back at about the same time. I chirped this to Shavon, who at first didn't seem to understand, then eventually got it. We tried catching a cab right near a bridge or highway type area and never got it 'cause I woke up.
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| Saturday, June 17th, 2006
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11:51 am
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I was in a garden with a few other people. This one women kept saying something about an "asp." I didn't know what she was talking about until I saw a HUGE bee-like creature (about 2 feet long) that somehow had her shawl (or some other shawl-like covering) on it. The guy with her caught it as we ran. I thought he would bury it or kill it, but it sort of shook it up then released it. It flew in an odd pattern, but somehow didn't come back to attack us.
asp=wasp?
Something happened when we got inside that I don't remember.
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| Saturday, February 25th, 2006
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7:07 am
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My boss kept threatening to fire. Not so much in words, but in her actions. She made me feel obsolete and very superfluous to the office. She usually took off Fridays and in her place was a woman just as bad as her. Neither fully let me do my job, to bring home the fact that I wasn't needed in the office. And my work was slipping. I was unable to do one part of my job because the office changed. That part was connected to another part which I wound up forgetting to do. This made me look that much more incompetent. I think at some point the boss made a statement about me not coming back.
I was in my bathroom. Came out and there were these two cats laid up together on the couch. I asked them if they were dating and they laughed and scoffed at me as if they weren't aware that they were snuggled up together. But I think after that the notion of dating seemed more real to both of them.
I finally decided to shoot a couple shots from a bazooka out a window towards some buildings. I think I had to use my breath to blow them out. One hit the top of a tall building. The other hit a smaller place where I kept my jacket and other random items. Rasha and a couple other folks were there. I kept thinking that since the building I was in was so high that I wouldn't get caught. No one from an adjacent building could've seen me.
So I left and went to the place with my jacket. Things were disorganized and people were rushing in to get their things, but there was no fire nor smoke. I got a couple of my jackets from the small(ish), mobile closet, but couldn't find one. I bumped into Elliot who gave me a sort of weird look. I ignored it, went over to the section that had a long stretch of bench, couldn't find any of my stuff there so I left.
I was trying to figure out if anyone knew I'd done it. I figured if a sketch was done that people on the streets would recognize my face. No one really looked at me though. Around the corner then across the street from the place that help folk's personal items was a school.
I went back to school. I went right into a PE class and did laps around the hallway about 8 or so times. It felt like if he didn't fast enough for the teacher's standards he'd make us do it again. Eventually we stopped to have lunch. One girl had small whole pigs for lunch, faces and all. It seemed like a good novelty idea at the time. I wanted to try it. I think she had cabbage as a side dish. I was reminded of someone describing the school before and all the different options they had for lunch. I still didn't know what I want.
Everyone took their food and we went outside to eat in the front. The front was Lenox Ave near where Pan-Pan was. We sat there and I think Cherisse came to eat with us. Shavon came and told me she thought she'd figured out the reason behind why she got two roses from the guy she was seeing. And why the second had a message she didn't understand. It was intended for another woman. There was a potted plant centerpiece and she laid the flower on it. A few minutes later she picked it back up and left.
I made my way to my place, again hoping no one knew I'd shot up the buildings. As I got to my block, I saw my mother and grandmother entering the building as well. My mother informed me that they knew it was me and that they would prolly be by the house soon. I spent the time on the way to the apartment trying to figure out how they knew. Then I realized Rasha prolly told them. When we got to the apt it looked like we were moving, but I didn't remember talking about that. My mother was sorting through something and I asked her if she would visit me. She said yes and I almost leapt into her lap and hugged her. I then got more comfortable with the notion of prison figuring/hoping that I wouldn't be there too long and that I would somehow manage (guess I forgot about the sexual, emotional and physical abuse from the guards). I went into the bedroom and found money. I was trying to figure out if I had enough to get to Mexico and live. I figured I didn't plus I had no idea how to maneuver myself in a foreign country and find work.
So before I woke up I'd resigned myself to going to prison.
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| Tuesday, February 21st, 2006
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8:34 am
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There was some sort of time travel going on. I would do something then sit in a seat and go back in time. I tried once and I wound up going aHEAD in time (by either hours or days). I was in the living room. My mother and gramma were there and my gramma gave me these applications for death certificates. I kept trying to say they were expired (partially 'cause I didn't want to deal with them, partially 'cause I didn't want HER giving them to me). I remember something with computers as well.
I was doing some HEAVY flirting with Steph. I think initially it felt like a test to see how he would react. Then it felt like I'd developed feelings for him. He responded moreso out of being flattered than returned feelings, but we started hanging out more. I was supposed to hang out with him and Q and whomever she invited for NYE. There were these animals that looked sorta like mini monkeys. Not much bigger than the length of your hand. They kept mistaking my braids for the tree they usually habitate and would flind themselves at my hair. I had to keep trying to pry them off. There was three of them.
I spent a while getting dressed and picking out clothes to wear home (since I figured I'd be tired and want to be more casual and comfy on the way home). I wore this red dress with gold shoes. My change clothes were an old jean skirt and a nylon/vinyl blue top (and some sneakers?? I think). I wound up falling asleep. I woke up to the phone ringing and everyone telling me how pissed off Q was that I didn't hang out with her. And Steph was gone too. I tried calling him and he'd switched phones with a friend. So I left to go see Q and them. While I was gone Steph left a message saying he was glad I called 'cause he'd been worried about me.
When I met up with Q she was better but still a bit on edge. She'd just done an ice performance like the day before or something. She was now WAY lighter (enough to "pass") and had a fauxhawk. She told me she was pregnant (in some sort of tricky code way). She seemed really sad about it, but also seemed like she felt she had to have it. She seemed hopeless and depressed. I asked her if she told him (the father/her bf) and she said something like "why would I make two people unhappy about this unfortunate thing?" Something like that. I think that's when her mother overheard. I felt more bad because she was already mad at me for missing NYE, then I helped her mother overhear something I just knew she hadn't told her mother yet and didn't want her to know yet.
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| Thursday, February 16th, 2006
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9:57 am
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I was going to clubs a lot. I happened to start clubbin with Jay-Z (about 10 years younger than he is now). I felt like I was possibly manipulating time and space to be hanging with him at this age (so that I could come back to present and brag that I'd clubbed with him). He was a promoter or some type of party organizer.
I went to class and had no idea how late I was. Apparently there was a bunch of kids trying to slip in really late and the professor was making fun of them to the rest of the class. I came in right after a group of other late folks and after seeing her talk about them was too embarrassed to leave so I just layed on the floor (it was a lecture hall and I was up about 20 backs from the prof). I stayed there til the lecture was over. It was only a few minutes but it felt like such a long time . When she dismissed the class she made some vague reference to me, letting me know that she'd seen me there the whole time.
I was in the cafeteria meeting up with various singers. Immature, B2k (I think) and their crew. I left the room, came back in saying "sing it again Jodeci!" to get them to reply with Get On Up. It worked though I kept feeling like I had to pull it out of them.
I had to leave my apartment. The place was being remodeled. They were going to tear it down then build it back up and that was going to lead to reassignment of apartments. Somehow I had to leave my place and I wound up in a place across the hall. As I was going there I saw hoards of people leaving the building (almost as if the place was gonna be demolished momentarily). I got to the alternative apartment. I kept looking out the peephole to see if there were an evacuation instructions or reassignment info. A package was slipped under the door. It had the name Connor (I think) on it . I was wondering if that was who lived in the apartment I was in or if the people slipping things under just completely fucked up. I felt liked I'd seen the name before (mistaken for name or mixed up for mine or something else similar). My mother came. She seemed a bit upset. I was really really happy to see her (without knowing why).
Eventually I left that apartment and came back to mine. Q and Meaka had made some changes (I think) to the place. And my good tv was somehow broken. Q and Munchie were talking about going to their father's house. It seemed like some sort of outing. I was gonna go with them. As I left my apartment I was comparing myself to other girls. My stomach versus theirs. My butt versus theirs. How I looked in my clothes versus them. I feel like I may have done this at other points as well.
As I was coming outside I met with my bf (whose face I can barely remember and have most likely never seen before). He was mad about something petty that I'd done to him or said to him. And as I was leaving for camp he decided to break up with me. I felt sad, hurt and mainly frustrated that I would not be able to talk to him and sort things out (perhaps this was his reasoning for the timing). For a moment I just felt tormented, then as the bus turned the corner and I started seeing tall redwoods I got excited about the fun that I would have at camp.
I sat next to some weird game that involved a ball and two goals. Once a point was made with a ball (in the team's own goal). The goalie-type person would bounce the one who made the goal while the person who made the goal tapped the ball as many times as possible for extra points. Richard Pryor came along and participated in the game. He wanted to show a trick he had, so he let the goalie-type guy bounce him. Though he really wanted to do the bouncing he was bounced first and was going to get a goal so he could do the bouncing next. But the bouncing guy messed up and missed. Richard went crashing through about two floors. When we all got down there to check on him the goalie-type guy was lying on the floor in pain holding himself. I was trying to figure out how the fall could cause one specific area to be hurt, then I saw a big jagged nail sticking up from the floor. Apparently he landed on it with his genitals. Richard was fine (as if he hadn't fallen at all).
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| Tuesday, January 24th, 2006
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9:27 am
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I was trying to go see my boyfriend. I was trying to catch a train. The process felt like (or at least reminded me of) catching a plane. The tickets reminded me of plane tickets. I was trying to find a party. All of the ones I saw were ones that Q had gone to previously and I thought she'd be bored by them. There were these two streets built on top of a river of some sort. You had to wait til the water drifted the streets close to cross from one to the next. I crossed and got to the party places where a radio was playing so loudly from one of them that I thought the party might've already started. It hadn't.
Then I went to take a regular train and bumped into Cherisse and another friend who were with their babies. From that train I could catch the train to take to my bf. It felt like the first time seeing him and I was upset about not having my jacket to cover myself during the initial meet. I left behind a lot of clothes that I wanted to bring. I might have gone back for them. (And that might be when I met with the models).
Eventually I got to him. The station initially felt like a train station, then it felt/looked like a bus station. I don't remember which method I took, but I got there. He picked me up and was so sweet. Very, very shy. Looks wise he sorta reminded me of Philly. I felt very comfortable with him.
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| Friday, December 16th, 2005
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9:56 am
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I was trying to work out a collaboration with Mos Def (and potentially Common). I had this song that I wanted to sort of remix with him. The song was R&B. I wanted to play the piano part and do some sort of twist to the words. He was going to add a few verses (rap) that worked with the twist and were modified to me. We were to perform this during a sort of recital in an auditorium that looked like the one at my elementary school. At some points it felt like the song was originally done by Mos and Common. At other points it felt like it was a random R&B song (though a classic). Mos was amped about doing it. But neither of us could get in contact with Common. I was upset because I only had like 2 days and I wanted more time to perfect the song.
I was looking for food and a place to get my hair done. Most of the bodegas doubled as barber shops or beauty salons. I wanted a quick cut and got an offer from a guy sitting in a barber chair in the front of the door to his bodega. Something about it didn't feel right so I told him I'd think about it and left.
Somewhere around this time something was going on with Tameaka and some other girls who looked like her.
At some point I linked up with Linda. We were walking towards my place when a fight broke out in the street. It seemed like it was getting progressively more violent so we went past it to look at it behind a fence. Then Linda crawled through the fence (yet somehow she was supposed to be still "protected" by whatever "protection" the fence provided).
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| Tuesday, September 13th, 2005
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7:54 am
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Cristina was yelling out utterances. Expressing her anger at Joseph. He was on the phone with me and kept yelling at me because he couldn't yell at her. I was trying to cover up the situation and help her, but I couldn't understand why she was making it so difficult by antagonizing him in the first place. Her and I started walking towards whatever form of transportation we were going to use.
I think it became a bus trip. I remember bein on a packed bus feeling like it was camp.
I was out with my friends and initially we were having so much fun. We went to about 3 different spots that were like a street fair. The last place we stopped at was a store with trinkets that had African hints to them (or were [supposed to be] from Africa directly). I had my eyes on a pair of earrings that were shaped like long feathers, something else and a random pair of very American gloves. The gloves were the cheapest so I looked at buying them. While I was looking at those, my friends were hovered near the earrings section. As we left the shop, they gave me the feather like earrings, which had the name "Efloria" on them. I still loved them and figured that didn't hinder them at all.
Then we went towards a concert which I had no tickets for. So I rushed in with/behind a friend and pretended I had one. I was able to easily allude the door person by just walking a bit deeper in because she couldn't leave her post. I walked around a bit. The "concert" was basically an indoor market place. I forget why, but I left the "concert" (maybe looking for my friends again). Then when I decided to go back in my friend placed her stub and I rushed in again. This time I was followed by the same ticket person. I got my friend's stub and the ticket person still wanted to throw me out and was not satisfied. She proceeded to lecture me in front of a long line of people about who-knows-what. (She'd changed from white to black to give the long embarrassing lecture).
Then I grew tired of the lecture. And realizing that I was in much better health than she was I ran out with my friend thinking she would grow tired after a few steps, but she didn't. She didn't catch up to us, but she KEPT running. Eventually a male friend of hers (or her SO) came and started running after us too. We were near a construction area trying to find a/our car to drive off. At this point I was semi-awake and was trying to control the dream, but I couldn't really control it as I liked. I couldn't stop him from chasing us. Couldn't go fast/far enough to make the chaser not exist/be relevant.
Then there was a kid. Might have been an aggressive girl or just a young boy, who was shot or otherwise hurt, sitting on what would be a porch stoop if it weren’t for the pack that it was at one edge of the side of a parking lot while a song played. I "sugar how'd you get so fly" type song. I wanted to stop his/her from bleeding SO badly!
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| Friday, July 22nd, 2005
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5:05 am
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I was living in a dormitory style place where I kept the doors open. By just coming in, semi-announcing himself and being gentle a man came into my world. I cared for him, but not as much as one should a boyfriend, which is what he became. I think the combination of not seeing him often, seeing him only at night and the fact that our "relationship" consisted mainly of having sex led me to not care for him as much. And perhaps it led to me seeing the other guy. I don't remember much about the other guy.
The first guy's female friends eventually facilitated us breaking up through being curious and moreso jealous of the bf's love for me. Between them and some guy who tried to come in the dormitory place (which I can't figure out if it was an actual dorm or my apartment) I began to feel like a slut. The guy came in expecting while main bf was on the other side of the room. I quickly forced him out and told him I had a man. It felt like that wasn't satisfying him, but just as I felt that main bf came over and made his presence very known. The random guy whispered something about me being wrong because I was sleeping with someone else.
I felt like a major whore. And somehow it didn’t dawn on me before that what I was doing was so morally wrong (again, prolly because I rarely saw him, saw him only at night and we mainly had sex).
It was through his friends that I realized the extent of his feelings for me because he never told me (in words). He dropped me really fast when he found out, which sparked something in me (mainly hurt) either because of the loss or because I was finally learning something about him and he was showing passion. I wanted him to stay a lot more as he was leaving. He left in a huff and I ran after him half naked in the streets trying to use his love for me. I knew he cared about me a lot. He stopped and listened for a while, but I was naked and uncomfortable and going back and forth between trying to cover myself and trying to get him to come back inside, which threw my focus off and he left.
The other dude had a female friend who told him as well, but I was already sad about losing main bf and was gonna break things off with him anyway. I was kinda hiding in the bathroom when a group of guys came in (unisex, I guess lol) talking about my situation. Somehow this led to the female friend of the second dude piecing together that I was that girl and declaring she'd tell second guy. (She reminded me of the army girl in RW Austin)
I walked around sad and alone contemplating my situation, passed a cab and Burger King and eventually made it to Lenox Ave where I saw a couple I'd seen maybe months before. A lesbian couple where the younger one (who was "new" to homosexuality) had gotten pregnant and I was convinced the older one would leave her, but she didn't. She loved her IMMENSELY so she stuck it out. The younger one was now showing and walked hand in hand. I looked at them thinking about how happy the older one seemed. An acquaintance of ours portrayed my same feelings with his face, then made some remark about being too sappy (him not them).
I don't feel like anyone had a name (that I knew). I remember being very upset that I couldn't even send main bf an e-mail because all I knew was his first name(which I can't even remember now), never had his e-mail and couldn't even search for it (because you needed first and last names). While his friends were referring to me as "DyvineSweetness Ebony" or something, which meant he knew my info well enough to be repeating it to others.
Main bf felt very familiar. Right now I feel like he was like Anthony, but it's 5 in the damn morning. I dunno. Dream kinda feels like an omen, but I would never be in that situation in awake life. I felt very relieved to wake up, like it was a nightmare.
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| Wednesday, July 20th, 2005
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7:58 am
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I was on the train. At the moment I can't remember where I was going from or to. On the train was a group of women that (I believe) came from where I was coming from. One of them was talking... a lot, particularly to me. I don't remember what she was saying.
Sometime after leaving the train ( I think) I was in this room. All I remember is a very homely looking girl who was teased as she sat down. Then when she stood up and everyone saw her body, she was praised. Someone may have even chastised her for not standing up sooner.
I was at a diner, perhaps after I'd gone out with Q. I really wanted some egg salad, but I wound up ordering a sandwich. And I had to leave the diner for some reason so I wound up not getting anything. There was a pet shop next door.
I went into what looked like my apartment, but I dunno what it was really supposed to be. Carla was there helping/instructing me with IT stuff regarding the DSL modem. Some other random guy came along. We also messed around with posters and large stickers. Don't know why.
I went to Cali as a surprised. I'd completely forgotten it was election day. And had no idea it was NYE. So when I got there Mikey was in the middle of a celebration, while trying to fix his DSL modem. lol I retained nothing from the time with Carla so I couldn't even help him.
Mai was there. The two main things I noticed about her were that she was REALLY cute and really cool. Oh and kinda funny too. Made me uncomfy. And made me hyperrealize how crazy it was to just pop up, especially considering the days events. They were playing some board game, then playing with race cars. I don't feel like I spent much time with Mike 'cause he was engrossed in trynna fix the DSL.
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| Tuesday, March 29th, 2005
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7:51 am
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Risque was trying to get with me. I think at some points both of us were palying hard to get. I don't remember if we actually got together or not.
I was at some sort of fair or carnival. I went upstairs and was watching from the window when a fight broke out. I tried to see it by raising the window. The most I saw was one man with something in his hands. I couldn't tell exactly who he was fighting. so I went down and discovered some racist man was randomly attacking people. so I started walking with these men to watch out for them. We went into a store. I don't remember if the racist guy came in or not, but something happened. Then we left and went towards the park at the edge of the city. The racist came, but I was looking out.
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| Saturday, February 19th, 2005
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12:57 am
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I was concerned about some vinyl. I was looking at some records that I'd remembered having them before. I got a little wistful over not having them anymore. Then I realized those were mine and that I'd lent them out to someone (Mikey, I think.)
I was dating some guy or looking for someone to date. Somehow this was connected to tv.
I was outside a group of girls from my school who were convening about something regarding them. One of the speakers was a good friend of mine and I instantly felt guilty once I saw her because she'd given me her number last time we spoke/saw each other and I hadn't called. She mentioned it in her announcement to the group without saying my name, but it stung nonetheless.
I was in a music video. I had on a tight fitting green outfit. The rap stars of the video were talking before the shoot with these special "digital cell phones." They kept hanging a long cord off the edge the platform the four of us were standing on swinging it back and forth. That was like their antenna and helped them get good service.
The platform was lowered suddenly and I knew I'd have to dance for the camera. I did and was luckily joined by another video dancer to divide the spotlight (along with the rap starts themselves, of course). Something about my dancing seemed off, not quite authentic initially. Then I got back into a rhythm and things felt better. Then a larger group of more standard dancers (i.e. not so fancy/scantily clad and of both sexes) came along and did a big choreographed routine. I felt like I should know the routine and that I'd been neglecting practices. I was very aware of how my face looked. I tried to keep it happy and vibrant looking, but sometimes I just couldn't force a smile no matter how hard I tried. Then there was a point in the song when a guest appeared and we were to all adore them as if they were performing on stage and we were groupies. I somehow got to be right in the front and the guest star was paying attention to only me (as a groupie, for the camera, of course). We got close and were possibly about to kiss when the scene broke.
My mother's body was a zombie-like being. She wouldn't speak, but she could walk around and would randomly decide to do physical acts of violence. I had to stop her each time, which had me on edge and constantly screaming. I imagine not only because of the harm she might do, but also because it was a reminder that she was still dead. I was in my old room at my mother's place, laying in bed with Eunique when her body decided to try and break his back. She had him on his stomach and was about to step on it when I stopped her. It felt like I'd stopped him from doing the same to her. Then as I tried to leave the room a window shade that I'd known was laid on top of my sister after she died, was upright and blocking the path out the door. I screamed again. This upset my brother who said I should "get over it." It being their deaths, since he felt the screams were moreso because I was sad over their deaths and not the events occurring. His comments only made me more upset and I felt more alone, which added to my already high fear.
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| Friday, February 11th, 2005
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6:35 am
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I saw Tameaka's mother and her white male companion before they spotted me. They approached me to "surprise" me and we all greeted each other. They then offered me a meal, which somehow was supposed to be in my house and at my table. I'd set up which table I wanted to use and wiped it down then arranged it so it didn't look as decrepit as it really was. When I got back to it they were seated and had an extra stool for me. We were outside and I remember feeling like it was a good setting. I tried to get a drink, but the guy standing outside for us was not the waiter. It seemed like they were accommodating us and the neighboring restaurant.
Somehow it became four of us and Shavon joined in. The dynamics of the meal were starting to change. The mood of the scene was different. I got a menu and looked at what was available and it was mostly seafood. Something about how it was all arranged made me think this was supposed to be a sushi meal. And there was some really thin lobster. I somehow wound up with two thin lobsters on my plate trynna figure out how to eat them. They kept falling apart.
At some point (after some sort of tension or other type of weirdness) Tameaka's mother and the man revealed that this was all a joke, then laughed maniacally as they left. Shavon got mad and started after them, but I told her we could finish ourselves. We were at some ATM looking machine answering trivia like questions that popped on screen.
I went down my apartment floor's hall and saw a group of folks playing video games. This girl was kickin this guy's butt in some sort of combat game. As we sat in the living room, I could "see" the video game acted live by the characters in my mind, but I knew it was really happening someplace. Then I was there watching them in person. Three creatures formed into one to fight another creature. I knew they had a lot more allies and could've gotten much bigger. I was wondering why they didn't choose to get twice his size and end the fight quicker. I thought it might be because it was more honorable to beat the opponent at the same size or because the game was set up so that they met their other friends further down the line when they had to beat bigger enemies.
At some point I was with either a guy or a butch girl and she used to sell. She was watching the hand signs go down during a "transaction" and interpreting it to me in plain english and in dealer talk. Something like "I want one bag, here's another package and _____________" Her old "co-worker" was impressed that she retained it all. [I guess it was a butch girl since I've defaulted to 'she' without really thinking about it. Or it became clear it was girl at some point]
And there was some other mess with a family that was sorta like a new Partridge family, although most of them hated to perform. But 2 of the girls loved it and the attention.
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| Saturday, January 29th, 2005
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8:45 am
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I was in some type of "megastore" (like K-Mart, Walmart, AnythingMart...). A white supremacist got a gun and began picking off black people. He declared he would kill all the "beeps" or "bleeps" in the store. He seemed to be alone at first, but other white people joined in his crusade. I went towards the back of the store hoping to enter the back storage room. Apparently a lot of people had that idea. A big group of Hispanic guys (who seemed to work at the store) were already there and the main guy saw others going towards the back so he alerted the other gunmen that if they went back there, they would be able to "get about 10 "bleeps" or "blips." So I went back towards the side where there was an exit. Since the head guy told them all to go to the back, I was able to slip right out the door.
There was a big group of cops and bystanders outside the store. I went and sat with them and watched. The supremacists ended up killing a few people, but most escaped. When there were 3 black (live) people left in the building, the head guy started getting more aggressive about killing them and wound up killing a good friend of mine. The store become my apartment building at some point. I started thinking about where to stay that night. I passed a hotel near the pool. A young girl was there playing by herself (though it was late). As a walked around the edge of the recreational area of the hotel, I saw her play acting in an area that could have been a stage. The dirt figures looked like they'd been formed into an audience. I know she didn't (couldn't have been able to) do it though.
Then the supremacists all finally left the building. They looked like they could easily grab one of the policemen's guns and kill us all. It seemed like it was their choice to be caught (and that maybe the cops were in on it.) I also noticed the cops never actively tried to rescue any of us. We all had to save ourselves.
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| Thursday, January 13th, 2005
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10:01 am
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I was a cop sitting in a restaurant. My superior officer was one my back about something. A young Japanese boy was in the restaurant demanding "Japanese styled rice." He said the rice in the (Chinese) restaurant was too much like "Chinese rice." After asking him what "Japanese rice" was (which he said was "moist and thick" lol) I asked him why he wasn't in school at this time. Then later realized he might have been witness to a crime at a nearby school. I spent a lot of time trying to get whatever info he had about the incident, but we both wound up leaving the restaurant to go on a field trip with Joe Rogan [Fear Factor guy]. We walked around Harlem and Joe was teaching us some lazy, bootleg, half-assed version of the Electric Slide. He kept telling us to do a move on the "down beat." He then asked the group what the down beat was. One person answered incorrectly, then I raised my hand and looked at Black Thought and called him a cheater 'cause his hand was up. Joe called on me and I answered "the beat after the music goes up." [which is incorrect lol!!] When people groaned, I could tell if was 'cause I was wrong or 'cause I was right (and they didn't get a chance to say the right answer. We continued walking so I took that as me being right.
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| Thursday, December 9th, 2004
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8:43 pm
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I was seeing Larenz Tate not so secretly. He was married to or seriously seeing Elise Neal and I was like the side woman and seemed to not mind it at all. He was kissing her in front of me and about to have sex most likely and I wasn't jealous or hurt. I was almost turned on! =/ And somehow I didn't feel like I was being used. In some way it felt like he had two separate distinct caring relationships with both of us.
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| Tuesday, October 26th, 2004
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12:15 pm
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I was sorta "seeing" Robbie. We'd walk around holding hands and although we didn't kiss (during the dream) I had a clear memory of us kissing before. And we did the soft, playful flirting that you do when you're just settling into another person. At some point, I realized/found out that he kissed me to see how I would respond. I wasn't mad though.
There was a lot of activity in the Chinese restaurant near my house.
[can't remember the rest]
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